Thursday, July 16, 2015

Pain demands to be felt.

"When you loose someone you love, they move into a special place in your heart."

I have a blog but I don't want to call it a blog, it's more like a diary. I use to share things I like or do, materialistic things for the most but just cause it's the place where I just sit and share things to escape the reality, give myself a little time to write about things I like and that can help someone, that I enjoyed during a month and so on.. But my life is not only made of these things. There are a lot of things behind a person, a big world is hidden behind a smile or a positive post or a 10 minutes long video. You will never know what someone is struggling for as there are so many things that don't always need to be shared or said or done and things that you know you have to fight by yourself. But sometimes it happens that you just feel the need.. The need to write about something more personal, to let people know that life is not easy for anyone. To help people realize that, if this has happened to you, then you're not alone, you're not mad, it's just cause you have a heart and it is the most delicate part of us; there is so much pain in the world that, sometimes, I ask myself what is worth living. Everything can change in a minute, you could have everything or nothing, gain happiness or just loose everything; almost like you play in a casino. But some things are irreversible.. You can't go back, you can't have someone back and you're just alone. This is how I feel right now: alone. I have lost more than a half of my life, the most wonderful thing I had; I feel like my heart is about to die, don't know how much sorrow a heart can bear. I feel like suffocating, it's devastating. My dog was the only one that was with me 24/7, she was my best friend, I used to tell her everything, hug her when I was sad, joy with her when I was happy.. She was always there and by always I mean always. She never said "no" to me, she was always looking after me and I looked after her till the very end. A dog can give you everything, a lot more than you can ever imagine but then it left an immense hole in your life that no one and nothing can ever cover it up. I feel lost, walking around my house like a zombie and I can't find the strenght to go ahead and live. I know I have to be strong, I know I always try to be positive and help people fight the struggle of life being positive but sometimes the truth is that you have to accept that the pain is real, that needs to be felt and lived and there's no positivity that can help you in that. It's all about the time. Time will find a cure, it will never ever let you forget the people you loose but it will give you the strenght to remember them during the happy moments of your life together and rememeber it smiling. The only thing I need right now is to know that she is here somehow, with me, as usual. I didn't know how much pain this would have bring with it, I wish it was just a nightmare. I couldn't sleep tonight, my mind won't stop thinking and my eyes won't stop crying. I didn't even know how much tears could be in my eyes.. I feel like I have been crying for too long but it's never enough. And I know I shouldn't cry that much but the truth is that I need it. I need to feel the pain all at once, I need to cry and feel devastating cause it's just me being myself and you can't control yourself when things are way bigger than you. I wish there was a time machine, I could pay everything to just one day back with her; it breaks my heart to know that I will never see her again, I will come back home to nothing and she won't be by my side, I will not be able to stroke her again and feel her heartbeat. I will not fall asleep with her paw in my hand but I truly wish that she is with me even if I can't see her. We are so ignorant about life and death, we don't know why things happen, why there's no justice, why there is so much pain and negativity around the world; we don't know if there is something after death but I need to believe it right now. I can't imagine loosing her forever, I better imagine her with me forever. This must be like that. I can feel her with me, don't know if I am going crazy or not but I can feel her and I hope she will give me more signs. I have to be strong, I will one day but today it's just the worst day of my life. A lot of awful things happened to me but I always knew they were a 7 or 8 on a 1 to 10 scale of pain. I just reserved the 10 for this, hoping that this day would have never come. But life really sucks sometimes and now I have nothing; I have to build my life again trying to find the strenght to keep holding on. And I hope she is listening to me while I'm saying: now that you're just a little angel by my side, please, give me the strenght to go ahead. I feel lost and incredibly alone. I miss you, I will always miss you and I promise I will never forget you. Goodbye, it's not the end; I will always love you more than anyone else my little friend, my little heart. 

Thank you for the amazing world that you gave me and all the happiness that you brought in my life since I was 9. You choose me and I choose you for life. 
You will always be remembered. 
Rest in peace only love of my life. 

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